Enlightenment

After handing my project write-up, I phoned my mother and she immediately congratulated me for finishing it off. I was not as optimistic myself, secretly making a masterplan should this fails then what shall I do to save myself from suffering deep depression. 

Whilst others had opted for clubbing, dancing and alcohol to relieve their soul, I chose to go home and grabbed hold of my cello. He is one sensitive little thing, one thing he is very particular about is temperature. I spent my times turning the pegs, bowing and plugging the strings to tune him up. He gets very stubborn sometimes too. You might think you have tuned A string nicely, then upon tuning D string you realised A string decided to come loose (but the peg was so sticky it was possible to turn it without risking to break the string). Tuning for more than 5 minutes used to be a pain for me, but now I find it very therapeutic, maybe as therapeutic as actually playing my pieces. 

I found myself engrossed in this piece: Salute d'Amour by Sir Elgar. A classic wedding music. In fact it was an engagement present written by Sir Elgar himself. (Hint, hint!) I could just play the first phrase endlessly - every time I played a note there was always something unforgivable and unbearable that caused me to replay the whole phrase again and again. In this repetitive process I found relief and satisfaction, even though I hardly made any progress musically. 

I can still vividly remember the day I found enlightenment in music. It was the day I went to a music competition and I was one of ten candidates playing in a small church hall with beautiful stained glasses showing each of the biblical parables. It was Courante from Bach's well-known Cello Suite No.2. (I adored the piece wholeheartedly and still do till this very day.) I was so nervous that I merely focused on making mistakes and by looking at the confident face at the first row, I knew I would never come close to the prize. She was much deserved of the prize she received, as she was struggling to carry the trophies she was given on that day from various other competitions in the music festival. 

I felt like crying but my ego stopped me from doing so. I followed my brother into his competition and re-entered the same church hall where I dreaded my performance. People were clapping and another musician walked up to the stage to play. As she was performing, I felt tears boiling in my eyes. No, I was not disappointed about the competition nor my performance, it was before I came to the realisation that the stage is mine as a musician and you can still feel good about yourself after making mistakes on stage. The colourfully stained glasses were reflecting the beautiful sunlight and they were radiating warmth, suddenly the church and the music blended into one beautiful picture. I could not stop sobbing but they were happy tears. They were a celebration of the day when I was enlightened to appreciate the beauty of music. Sure, techniques are very important. However, I was so obsessed on getting the bowing and fingerings right that I never found pleasure in music. They are the vessels to carry the spirit and feelings of the composer and performer. To focus only on the techniques was like following the religious acts without actually knowing God Himself. 

It was an 'hallelujah moment'. 

As I glazed at my score, I realised the first phrase was in fact more in tune if I played it with closed eyes. People who are sporty say muscles have memories too and I can vouch for this musically. It is true when it comes to my cello. When I concentrated fully on each note with my eyes shut, it came beautifully in perfection. 

I checked my phone again and almost four hours had passed with me focused on perfecting a single phrase. I was satisfied, content and filled with excitement, perhaps a little too warm and sweaty at the same time. But I saw myself back in that day sobbing in the church hall, it was a moment of eternal bliss.

Much love,
Jenn xxx